在你之外

我們相隔了 17 天才見面 - 這對之前一個禮拜至少見面一次以上的我們﹐已經算是很久。
先前你生病或 whatever, 沒接我電話也沒有回打﹐然後我開始上班 + 24 ﹐倒也混了過去。

星期六早上你打來﹐我們去 local 4 吃早飯喝酒﹐我快累死了﹐
吃得又不是順口的食物﹐一整個想走。
然後我們今天見面﹐你竟然早到。

去 Aji Sai 吃 all you can eat sushi, 結束後去 starbucks 喝咖啡﹐
我看到窗外 coffee date 的廣告﹐說你應該去參加﹐
你說 "aren't we doing that now?"

之後我們去 big carrot, 正好碰到 taste of danforth,
兩個人慢慢散步﹐熟稔得像情侶。
我也不知道怎麼解釋為什麼像情侶﹐總之就是比好朋友更熟吧。
這大概就是 straight 女生和 gay 男生的關係﹐
和一般男生朋友出去﹐再熟也不會共用一個吸管﹐也不會互 flirt﹔
然後比如說什麼你吃鳳梨的時候我自動幫你拿走外套﹐
我逛 cook's store 不知道把 ice tea 放哪裡﹐你主動拿過去一樣
(那時候我隨便把手上的飲料放在架子上, 你順手拿起來說: 不要亂放, 倒了很丟臉)
(鳳梨跟 ice tea 是哪一國的例子啦﹗)
你若不開口便不像 gay,
所以跟你走在一起還有一點點虛榮 --- 我跟一個可愛的金髮男生走一起那種。
哈哈哈﹐我們大概真的是很熟。

講半天還是沒講為什麼是像 "情侶" 啊。
不知道﹐可能我覺得有點 chemistry 吧。
這點且待日後慢慢了解

你的生日﹐到之前有點緊張﹐因為你妹妹和 Alicia 都在那裡。

所以我穿了那件灰色的洋裝﹐端莊可是 shows my curve, 頭髮放下來,
which is a bad bad idea 'cause it became puffy...


剛開始無聊得很﹐Chris 和 Ellen 都出現﹐我們卻連招呼也不想打﹐
勉強過去說了幾句話﹐哎~無聊無聊
整場最低潮大概是魚出現的時候。
啊~~~馬的為什麼他也來了﹗想到你們之間的歷史﹐
真是一整個怒火中燒﹗
妾身不明﹐是要怎樣有正室的尊嚴啦。

後來 party 漸漸有趣起來﹐但是你在幾桌之間週旋﹐
都沒有過來講話。快到尾聲時﹐我難過的問你
"am i just your back up best friend?"
你靠過來道歉解釋
"I'm sorry. I know i took you for granted today, but i have obligations.
You're very important to me. You're never my second best friend."
我有點驚訝, I can't remember the exact words now, but you sounded so guilty.
而你一向不為這類的事情道歉解釋。
"I'm sorry that I made you explain. You shouldn't have to. It's your birthday."
"I explain 'cause I want to. Otherwise you know i won't." 你說 "I love you"
你上次的 i love you 開始了之後的混亂﹐這次 i love you 希望可以 open the door to serenity between us.

然後我們之間恢復了彼此的默契﹐you and I, 熟稔親昵﹐一起。

走去 mitchel 家路上﹐我們兩個一起走著, 把你其他朋友遠遠丟在後面
你又開始道歉解釋﹐說你真的不是故意。

在他家﹐我坐在椅子上﹐你靠過來﹐單跪在我面前﹐雙手扶在把手上。
"i'm so sorry i didn't pay enough attention to you today."
啊~又要開始了嗎﹖
我那時候已經快睏死累死﹐身體往前靠在你的肩膀上﹐抱著你
"it's ok"
"You keep me centered." 你說 "How do you do that?"
"I don't know...'cause i'm an asian."

You popped e, invited me back to your place to keep you company.
在你家﹐我問你
"Am i your bitch?"
You said "why don't you trust this? I'm offended. I'd never treat you that way."

你說 wax 之後皮膚不舒服﹐我開玩笑說要看﹐結果你真的把上衣脫下來﹐

後來我累死了﹐不同以往﹐我睡著﹐不停被你吵醒。

at one point 你說要去 take a shower,
"i'm sorry i can't offer you the same thing, 'cause it'd be akward."
之後你又說 "i'm not saying that we should take a shower together."

直到第二天我才想到﹐
e, 你乾淨的家﹐沒開瓶的紅酒﹐ waxing, shower......oh did i miss some signs?

==========
寫這些流水帳﹐因為我想記得﹐和你 intimate 的回憶。
你後來說 "you look beautiful today. I'm so proud of you."
proud of me, why should you be proud of me?

啊﹐小王子馴養了一隻狐貍﹐卻忘了替他建個農場﹐狐貍只好又回到麥田去了。

離別前一晚見面﹐我們現在沒什麼肢體上的互動﹐
只是我知道﹐現在要親你是完全沒問題的。

我們談到一個我覺得很漂亮的大號女生。我說我覺得她很美﹐
而且如果她也能夠那麼美的話﹐那我應該對自己更有自信。
你看著我﹕
"You are beautiful. Your body is curvy, well-proportioned and sexy.
You really have been amazing to me. I was in a dark place a few months ago,
but you listened to me, let me talk about myself and that really helped.
We're good for each other."

這時一個黑人走過﹐稱讚你的帽子﹐然後轉頭看我﹐跟你說
"Now this is a beautiful woman. You should make her your babe."
你等他走了之後﹐說 "He said about babe."
我給你一個飛吻﹐你給我你的 signature wink

"You're a mystery. I don't know where your deep insecurities come from...I know that
you're afraid of being another Jocelyn, but the fact is you've changed.
You're capable of learning and that to me is a sign of intelligence. You're anything but stupid.
We wouldn't hang out as much if you're not really smark."

"Whenever i see you, i need to discipline myself. Physical interaction between us
seems to devastate our friendship. I'm really attracted to you.
When we said goodbye before, i'd want to ravage you and I was just controlling it.
I fantasize about having sex with you, but sometimes
i'd be weird out and not sure whether i can make it through. I'm a very
in-the-moment person, so when i'm in the moment, i'm more likely to be able to carry it through."

"I need to control myself 'cause i'm afraid that i'm being unfair to you,
that i'm leading you on. You and I are not going to work out."

就是這個時候我有點受不了了
"I know we're not going to work out. I'm not even saying that you can be
my boyfriend. The only thing that will make me think you're leading me on
will be that after making out with me, you'd tell me that we're just friends."
"Well, that's not what i'm saying. I've always made my feelings quite clear."

然後我跟你說 stop assuming what my expectations are
"'cause you don't know! I don't fantasize about you
boning me whenever we hung out."
"Aw...really?" 你露出失望表情
"Really! Like back on Tuesday, you probably think that
i expect sex to happen, but the fact is i was having my period!"

"You always back away at the last minute."
"Well, can it be that i just don't want sex in the public?"
"I never said it has to be in the public. It can be at my place."
我又說"I don't think we're ready to have sex."
你也搖搖頭, 說"Well..the way i see it is, if we're not ready,
it won't happen, but if it's going to happen, then it will happen."
哈哈哈﹐原來你也期盼過。
總之就是如此﹐4﹐5月時困惑的事情﹐近來慢慢確定﹐你是喜歡我的。
現在連你也親口和我確認了。

之後﹐你不知道幹嘛﹐喝得爛醉。
非常的 turn off. 聊天時﹐也沒有什麼 chemistry.
還好﹐這樣子是我選擇不要。

離開時﹐你主動親了我。

我們﹐今天﹐又 make out

你﹐又是喝醉。

一開始你已經開始 send the vibe
然後我們在 sidewalk 接吻 (又是 side walk!)
你手放我腰上﹐拉我過去。

you said that "you turned a gay!"
you said that you might be attracted to me.
you said that you're in this i don't know phase.

and i went home, again, by myself.

啊﹐ 幹﹗﹗﹗

可是不知道為什麼﹐我的心情沒有低落。
果然商品沒有限量發售﹐排隊期待的人也就不會那麼多。
知道你是我的﹐所以我放鬆。

怎麼辦怎麼辦
有時候我想要豁出一切跟你在一起。
有時候想到他覺得有點累。
我真的要結婚了嗎﹖

4, 5 月是等待等待﹐看 facebook 4, 5 月的
note 覺得很陌生 --- 我在掙扎deny什麼﹖
6 月是可怕的 uncertainty,可怕的苦悶﹐
dec 05 all over again, 然則卻是你在 gard party 後吻我
7 月開頭是痛苦的重生﹐然後是不知道為什麼﹐我們繼續見面。

8 月會是沒有你。

我到底在喜歡/等待什麼﹖﹖

啊﹐難道一切都只是漫長的犯賤嗎﹖

我和你啊﹐很像在 dating
一個禮拜固定見面幾次﹐
你自己也說 people thought we're together.

昨天和你去 gabby's, 看到那個和你之前 flirt 過的 queen B
和你出去 patio 抽煙。
哎喲﹐從來沒看過你那麼 flustered,
想來想去﹐我現在不能當向日葵﹐因為你沒有強到可以做太陽﹐
唉好吧﹐那麼來扮 friendly 不過又有距離感的 "友人吧"

Queen B 過來說 Hi
我想就讓你們兩個講話吧﹐結果他也就竟然沒有跟我打招呼
印象扣分。
他離開後﹐我嘴上開玩笑的說要 send shots over﹐
心裡其實有點難過 --- i don't want to push this one again.

還好你說不要。哈哈﹐難得你的 shell works to my advantages.

下大雨了﹐想看雨而過去 patio 抽煙﹐
我用百試皆有用的衣服稱讚法跟 queen b 講話
------ 誰聽到自己的衣服被稱讚會不爽啊
這個 bar 好像規定非得踩到 patio 上才可以抽煙
所以 queen b 酸酸的向你說
"所以你是不是要把你的外套借她啦﹖"
然後在我們抽煙時﹐堅持不可在 "裡面" 抽煙。

我不覺得什麼
結果後來坐回 bar 之後﹐你說 he was being quite rude
and you're totally turned off.
Queen B 沒拿到你的 attention, 過來 bar 玩無聊的投幣游戲。
真正的游戲自此豬羊變色。

他貼著一個很明顯的直男﹐
他那樣作的確讓你很嫉妒 (嫉妒得很﹗)
可是呀﹐那個直男一看就知道只是讓他碰而已﹐
對 queen b 完全沒有意思﹐
之後呢﹐we kissed at the bar, at the patio
連隔壁的顧客和你聊天時都說
"哎呀我不要讓你冷落你的女朋友太久。"
連熟識的酒店老闆娘都嘴角帶著一抹 smirk

我們在 patio 的時候你說
"妳到底還要什麼﹖一個 gay 那麼 into 妳﹐如果我是妳﹐早就開始 brag"
你說 "you mean a world to me. you have more of me than 99% of the people in the world."
唉﹐同學﹐我不要另一場柏拉圖愛情啊。

之後你問我該不該過去向 queen B 跟直男打招呼
反正現在你已經穩贏 (啊是有誰會一玩投幣式游戲玩 1 個小時的啦)﹐過去都無妨。
你過去說 hi, 直男立刻離開 queen b 和你說話﹐
你回來 bar, 故意和我接吻﹐直男半起鬨半開玩笑要不要 3 P
然後他的手放到我腰上。

游戲大勝﹐不過扮演 prop 的感受真討厭 。

你在 subway 上面說
帶了相機﹐因為之前我照的照片裡都沒有我

吃飯時﹐你都會在乎我的一舉一動
---- 替我點煙﹐開酒瓶﹐留位子﹐thinly slicing chicken XD

還有﹐你離座時的手﹐撫摸我髮稍﹐留連我背後....

來這裡的路上﹐你坐我旁邊﹐要我緊貼你坐著﹐在 bus 上﹐一有兩個人的空位便要我們兩個坐過去
你和我﹐輕輕的 flirt﹐
"the coffee is hot"
"yeah?"
"yes, just like me"

"i like your french manicure. very classy"

啊﹐你還告訴我﹐you can't imagine bringing 魚 here.
是吧﹐我和你這樣出現...今天晚上簡直就像是 3 對情侶的 dinner party。
見面時你抱著我的肩膀﹐說 now you can start your day again
--- cause i said i had a bad day.

還有我們﹐緊緊擁抱﹐and you said "you're so warm".

我在 0 和 100 間徘徊。平衡點在哪裡﹖50 令我難過﹐可令你說了 no 的 90 亦然。

我知道﹐我知道﹐將來回看總會難堪﹐可是我會忘記﹐所以讓我記得。

你打來﹐我被吵醒
"Don't tell me you just woke up."
"Yes i just did."
"Oh my beautiful leanne"

=========
之前都先道別的你今天似乎不想離開﹐
我們終究擁抱道別﹐你抱得久些﹐手也流連在我手臂上﹐
我們站得很近﹐抬頭看你 --
啊﹐這是如果我們兩個都是 hetrosexual & dating 的話﹐就會接吻的距離。
我微笑和你談話幾句﹐又抱你一下
----- 沒錯﹐我們擁抱後你吻了我頭髮。

魚要被放生了﹐我要離得遠遠的。

=============

我們 tuesday 去喝酒﹐你說你告訴魚
"I'm not bisexual, but i'm attracted to girls."
然後你看著我

==============

我說你身邊有個 space that no one can enter
你說 "actually people enter, but it's just that they somehow don't know."
然後你說不知道為什麼﹐你覺得自己已經很明顯的 interested in 對方了﹐
對方卻都不知道

..................日後再看﹐都會是拙劣的演技

寫寫寫﹐是因為說不出來啊。
事實上我是有多想被找到啊.....

明天就要講出來了
我要實驗﹐我要誠實。

啊好害怕

加油 加油

你生日﹐和另外一對一起吃飯。

我們是一對嗎﹖不是﹐我們是好朋友。

今天做了 manicure and pedicure, 淺褐色大格子洋裝﹐走向在 bar 外面抽煙等待的你﹔
你看到我﹐微笑。
"Nice dress!" 你說
"Thanks~" 我很高興。她說過這套洋裝讓曲線格外明顯﹐success.
你說中午和你的 potential boyfriend 見面﹐聊天聊得不錯
"i realize that attraction grows as you get to know the other person better."
是嗎﹖我想。抬頭看到你看著我的眼睛。

朋友來了﹐我們入內就座﹐我的膝蓋若有似無的碰著你的膝蓋。
喝酒﹐吃飯﹐微醺。
趁你去洗手間的時候和朋友 "討論戰策"
"Do you guys think he is interested?"
"Yes he is. He kept looking at you and he flirts.
I forgot what we were talking about, but he was jealous."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, make him jealous"

那還不簡單。

你回來﹐我們開始聊起我的同事 --- 一個想上我想了很久的人
我說唉怎麼樣才好呢﹖我現在也很想跟他見面﹐而且 he is so cute.
可是我不想太主動, blah blah blah
你說 "Well, you need to make a guy think that you're interested so that he is in control.
There is a fine line between playing hard to get and not interested at all"
我說可是我怕一聯絡就很明顯啊﹐那他就可以以逸待勞了。
你說 "but that's only in your head! You do this so much!"
是嗎﹖原來就是因為這樣你之前才那麼若即若離。
你說 "ok, i'm going to translate for you. Talk to me as if you're that guy"
"ok...how are you?"
"I want your **!!"
大家笑成一團。

太極拳打了半天﹐我加了一句
"可是我有其他喜歡的人啊。就是因為很喜歡所以不知道要怎麼辦。"
"Just tell him! and dont play games" three people said.
你又看著我﹐說"but sometimes you need to put it on the line.
Even if you don't get the response you want, but then that's not your problem"
你停一陣﹐說 "I like your nails."
呵呵

朋友們很合作的一起去洗手間﹐我轉頭看你。
"你知不知道我說的是誰呢﹖"
"If i say yes, i look like an asshole, but if i say no, then i'm a dumb ass"
"Just say it."
你揭露答案﹐但是也看著我說 "You can't just say no when i approach you,
and then say yes again 10 minutes after i leave.
The fact is neither of us can force it."
我沒說什麼﹐只是輕輕的吻著你的臉頰﹐很輕很輕﹐我的文字和動作都是。
"I'm sorry. I just need time to react. It happened really fast for me."
然後呢﹐我們開始接吻了.

第一次吻你的回憶已經消失﹐只記得唇際一直留著摩擦你鬍渣的感覺。
第二次吻你不過上禮拜﹐然則一起都那麼快速
啊這次﹐好棒好棒。你的唇很男人﹐硬硬的﹐連舌頭也是﹐有力靈活。
我在你耳邊告訴你 what i think about when i though myself and when i see your fingers
You groaned "Oh that's so hot." 然後你的手探過來摸我。
隔桌的客人已經在斜眼看我們
"I think we need to realize that we're in the public." 一向很在乎自己形像的你說
"really?" 我餵你一顆冰塊﹐湊過去咬耳朵 "oh i'm so sorry that they're not getting right now,
that they're just going back to their obese husband and kids."
你大笑 "you're so funny."

邊吻﹐邊告訴你我的害怕﹐
你說 "I promise that, at least for now, i'll never use our attraction against you.
You know i'm a genuine person."
我好高興。
"I can't promise about guys, but i can tell you that i never look at other girls on the street.
I'm a very selective person."
"You probably won't like this, but i told me sister about what happened, and she said
that if it were her, she would have lied down. I also talked to my roommate about you.
You see? I think about you a lot."
"You've been an amazingly good influence in my life and you probably think that that's
the only reason i like you. The fact is that you're wrong."

You went so far as to talk about your jealousy.

"hey but you're going to get married next year."

朋友回來了﹐但是我們還是一直接吻﹐一直喝酒。
手一直放在你大腿內側﹐偶爾往上移。 and you really like it.
"Touch it." 你說 "It's getting hard."
我的手很酸﹐這個角度實在很不方便﹐but i like what i touched.
你湊過來說 "I've been staring down your bra. You should be proud.
So many guys couldn't make me as hard as you do.
I'm going to thrust again and again until you can't take it anymore."
你的手不停想伸下去﹐but i'm shy.
"Let me touch it." you whispered.
You could tell i was soaked.

你去洗手間﹐然後我跟著去。
等你出來﹐"剛好"碰到你。
We kissed and kissed. You put your hands on me, rubbing and pushing.
可是樓梯間有聲響﹐我們立刻分開﹐laughed.

之後呢﹖我們不停 make out, 可也許我太明顯﹐用計過度﹐
We didn't do as anything, even though you moaned so loud when
i felt you up and kissed your ears. Even when you told me that neither
Pavan or Chris can make you as aroused.

"I think i'm straight." 你說

身上還有你的香味﹐可是沒結果的故事我要怎麼寫﹖。

有沒有可能
讓我在這一次可以忘記對 sex 的複雜感受

有沒有可能
感情先至﹐而 sex 是情緒氣氛都到了才發生的 expression?

有沒有可能我會學到怎樣對另一個 genuine?

還是會像上次一樣﹐受傷到自己可以進化﹐變了樣﹖

I haven't learned how to venture on without a finish line in sight.

我打給你
4 響後﹐你說 "Leanne?"
聲音急急

你說了
(now that you called), i'm feeling a lot better now.
你也說了
it'll be corny if i tell you why.

短短的 conversation 裡﹐你說了好幾次
you're glad that i called. You're really happy that I called.

oh honey, 原來你是男人﹐我是女人。

I'm gonna forget this, so i'm going to remember this.

非寫不可﹐你可遇不可求﹐回憶又已經被酒精稀釋﹐
誰知道明天過後腦海裡還剩下什麼﹖

我們在 Grad Party﹐是雙子的你出現了嗎﹖We flirted up a storm

"Do you know what you are doing?" 我問
"I'm having fun. It's the grad party." 你說

啊親愛的你不知道你在做什麼

然後我們三個回我家 fresh up
她洗澡的時候我們談話。
"I'm not strong enough for this. If i end up being cold or mean,
it's only because I'm dealing with my own weaknesses."
"I'm just having a good time, being myself. I never meant to hurt you."

她不舒服﹐於是就我們兩個 hang out.
可愛的小 bar, 食物啤酒皆上乘。
幾巡酒後﹐I explained to you about "trust and patience"
你聽懂了我﹐我聽見了你﹐知音難得﹐
紛紛擾擾幾個月﹐我們的友情總算回復。
我想起來了﹐一直很欣賞你雙子下的巨蟹﹐
很喜歡你 so real and genuine.
每每心裡有什麼聲音便想也告訴你﹐因為你聽得懂。
"You have amazing insights. I really enjoy your company and our conversations and have always liked you.
("even back in april?" I joked) You bring out the best in me.
You're always so supportive and loyal.
I know that you will always be on my side and that's just hard to find.
I know that in your eyes our relationship is not even."
你比了個高低不等的手勢 "that i'm this god capable of doing all the tricks.
But the way I see it is that we're equal. I do like and need you as much as you like and need me."
"Honey, be careful." 我不得不說
"I'm only 28, with 10 years less of experience.
I may not know myself enough and I can disappoint you in the future."
"It's ok, i understand. I've been 28 once, too and you know I'm very patient.
The only thing that would tick me off is absolute selfishness -- I can even justify and understand normal selfishness."
喝酒﹐抽煙﹐聊天﹐啊我們總算回到從前。
你說了﹐"you're everything i want in a guy." XD!


"Don't take it the wrong way.
Would you make out with someone like me?" 我問
"Well, don't take it the wrong way, but i kissed you first."
抽煙的時候 we had a hug and a peck on the lips.
只有肉慾的接觸 "cheapens it"﹐intimacy, however, does not.

"You're so beautiful." 你不停不停的說
"So gorgeours, your lips, eyes, and skin..."
我們一次抽煙的時候﹐你說 "I love you."
"I love you, too" I said,
but then i changed my words "oh i shouldn't have said that.
If i do love you, i wouldn't have those doubts."
It was a beautiful night.

接下來怎麼繼續的﹖我忘了。
可是我記得離開後﹐we kissed, at the side walk.
一直以為你會溫柔細膩一如他﹐可是 surprisingly 與我不同國的你﹐
吻起來格外男人﹐近幾粗魯
你的聲音低沉﹐用力拉住我過去親我﹐邊吻邊滿足嘆息
and you wouldn't stop touching me
--- even though we were still on the sidewalk!

然後我們在門外﹐oh and we made out like crazy.
你的手不停從上面伸進去﹐頭低下來﹐吻我
手再繞到後面把我壓向你﹐貼住你的身體。
Then you pushed me toward the wall, standing behind me, grinding.
Do you want me as much as i want you?
"I'm hard now." 你笑著說 "and i have to walk in there saying hi to P.
This is embarrassing."
是嗎﹖怎麼你還是靠過來繼續親我呢﹖

送你離開時﹐我們抽煙 --- 然後還有什麼﹖當然是不停的 make out
我有些退縮﹐"kiss me"你說。我還在猶豫 "kiss me" you insisted.
I leaned over and kissed you. 你親舔我的耳朵﹐不停摸我。
你究竟是男人﹐吻完你後﹐脣際總是微微刺痛。
我們 flirt and dare﹐你說我 prude, 我說你 cowardy
你醉到跪在地上﹐要我過去
我坐在你前面的階梯上﹐we kissed and kissed
你把膝蓋頂進我腿間﹐使力把我的腿分開
you were so crazy. You wanted it, right there,
regardless of whether it's the front entrance or hallway.
my conditions are a shower and the study room.
You being a cancer, retreated to the shell when i pressed hard enough.

But we had a good time. I stayed over accidentally.
Nothing happened. It was just a beautiful night.

"Faith," she once said to me "have faith."

你說我 complicated and troubled
上次聽到這個形容詞是三年前﹐我用在別人身上﹐
當時他也是 27。

那麼快﹐已經三年﹐還是每天都在想你。
說是想你也不對﹐我認知中的你不曉得加了多少自己的想像..
不如說天天都在想當時的日子。

今年早下雪﹐當年天天等著於你看雪﹐
卻是在南國碰到比這裡還冷的天。

我已經步下舞台變成聖誕樹﹐
所有過往雲煙都只是放著積塵的 ornament
雖說沒有以前不會有現在﹐但是我討厭他們﹐也寧願什麼都沒發生﹐
唯獨你....曾經﹐曾經。
雖然終究是戲﹐能上演久些多好。
於頂點的時候忽然結束了﹐
所以你的回憶被神化﹐mixed with my ultimate fantasy.

我說過﹐我有他也有你﹐還有誰能給我更棒的角色和劇本﹖

Dearest:
幾天的時間便能夠將一個人從陌生人變成 dearest﹐
寡言冷靜的你﹐會不會笑我﹖

有人說一個人情感較軟弱時才寫情書﹐而我情感軟弱時也會抽煙。

我不喜歡一個人抽煙﹐一如我心情起伏時不喜歡獨處
-- 但也不能太多人陪﹐兩個也不行﹐
最好只有一個感覺對的人在身邊﹐簡單聊聊天﹐心情自然好起來﹔
所以抽煙於我是個特別的時候﹐
被找來陪煙的人也往往至少在當下是特殊的人。

你記不記得﹐那天晚上我們在頂樓巧遇﹐我要你陪我抽完一根煙﹐說是巧遇﹐
其實我事先就知道你那幾個晚上都會去那裡照夜景。我們那時剛到香港遊學﹐
認識也沒多久﹐只知道你相機不離手。

後來呢﹖我去那裡抽煙的時候多了﹐你也常去照夜景﹐其實香港那麼多地方可去﹐
區區宿舍頂樓哪有那麼多風景可照﹐你說是不是﹖可是我去旺角﹐銅鑼灣逛街吃東西的時候
都沒有在頂樓跟你聊天那麼開心。你呢﹖明明已經戒了煙﹐為什麼留在那裡﹖

然後我們是怎麼接吻的﹖之前已經不知道假想過多少次﹐但我還是很緊張﹐還問你
“確定嗎﹖我剛剛有抽煙噢” (真是廢話)﹐你沒有說話﹐然後我感覺嘴脣上軟軟的﹐
接下來我捨不得閉上眼﹐想放鬆開來吻你卻只敢站著吻你的下脣﹔我感覺到你的呼吸﹐
聞到你的味道﹐手只搭在你肩上﹐我不記得自己有沒有發抖﹐你記得嗎﹖

那時候我開心得想尖叫﹐也想靜靜的一個人坐下﹐想問你很多問題﹐也想只站著就好﹔
想哭也想笑﹐想再親你一次﹐也想乾脆下樓去算了。一個吻可以那麼心蕩神馳﹐
現在回憶起來﹐果然曖昧和渴望是最好的調味料。

然後我們總算不只在頂樓 hang out, 我帶你去吃仁記雲吞跟公和豆品﹐
你帶我去照薄扶林道附近的山﹐還有 970 公車上的人﹐還有怎麼把地上的落葉照成 “跳舞”。
你那麼喜歡照相﹐話又那麼少﹐我開始擔心你不喜歡我在你身邊﹐但每次下課時﹐
又看見你在教室外面等我。不過一起出去後﹐你的話一樣的少﹐想你想一天了﹐你連聲音也不給我﹐
但是跟你出去﹐我還是很開心的。

我寫到這裡先﹐不想自己太習慣想你﹐雖然等一下念頭還是會繞著你轉﹐
但我不常太快想你想得什麼事都做不了。你看到這裡會不會 (我希望你會)
問我﹕“這些事我都記得清清楚楚﹐妳為什麼要再寫一次給我看﹖”

我想你又見不到你時﹐就會像現在一樣寫讓我開心的事情﹐
而人總是只想跟一個特殊的人分享這些開心的事。你說對不對﹖

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後記﹕五年前的舊事﹐搬家前夕被翻出來。