在你之外

離別前一晚見面﹐我們現在沒什麼肢體上的互動﹐
只是我知道﹐現在要親你是完全沒問題的。

我們談到一個我覺得很漂亮的大號女生。我說我覺得她很美﹐
而且如果她也能夠那麼美的話﹐那我應該對自己更有自信。
你看著我﹕
"You are beautiful. Your body is curvy, well-proportioned and sexy.
You really have been amazing to me. I was in a dark place a few months ago,
but you listened to me, let me talk about myself and that really helped.
We're good for each other."

這時一個黑人走過﹐稱讚你的帽子﹐然後轉頭看我﹐跟你說
"Now this is a beautiful woman. You should make her your babe."
你等他走了之後﹐說 "He said about babe."
我給你一個飛吻﹐你給我你的 signature wink

"You're a mystery. I don't know where your deep insecurities come from...I know that
you're afraid of being another Jocelyn, but the fact is you've changed.
You're capable of learning and that to me is a sign of intelligence. You're anything but stupid.
We wouldn't hang out as much if you're not really smark."

"Whenever i see you, i need to discipline myself. Physical interaction between us
seems to devastate our friendship. I'm really attracted to you.
When we said goodbye before, i'd want to ravage you and I was just controlling it.
I fantasize about having sex with you, but sometimes
i'd be weird out and not sure whether i can make it through. I'm a very
in-the-moment person, so when i'm in the moment, i'm more likely to be able to carry it through."

"I need to control myself 'cause i'm afraid that i'm being unfair to you,
that i'm leading you on. You and I are not going to work out."

就是這個時候我有點受不了了
"I know we're not going to work out. I'm not even saying that you can be
my boyfriend. The only thing that will make me think you're leading me on
will be that after making out with me, you'd tell me that we're just friends."
"Well, that's not what i'm saying. I've always made my feelings quite clear."

然後我跟你說 stop assuming what my expectations are
"'cause you don't know! I don't fantasize about you
boning me whenever we hung out."
"Aw...really?" 你露出失望表情
"Really! Like back on Tuesday, you probably think that
i expect sex to happen, but the fact is i was having my period!"

"You always back away at the last minute."
"Well, can it be that i just don't want sex in the public?"
"I never said it has to be in the public. It can be at my place."
我又說"I don't think we're ready to have sex."
你也搖搖頭, 說"Well..the way i see it is, if we're not ready,
it won't happen, but if it's going to happen, then it will happen."
哈哈哈﹐原來你也期盼過。
總之就是如此﹐4﹐5月時困惑的事情﹐近來慢慢確定﹐你是喜歡我的。
現在連你也親口和我確認了。

之後﹐你不知道幹嘛﹐喝得爛醉。
非常的 turn off. 聊天時﹐也沒有什麼 chemistry.
還好﹐這樣子是我選擇不要。

離開時﹐你主動親了我。